...Deaf Blind Tumor Pee-Test

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Comedy/Drama/, 2011, 26 min.

Synopsis At Catholic school, a boy shows Fiona he has matches.Jackie deals with a needy patient in the lobby. Mrs. A tells Jackie that HR has issued mandatory urine tests for nurses in her department. Anyone who refuses will be fired. She clarifies the directive is coming from HR, not her. Jackie says either way, she doesn't pee on demand.Kelly comes in with a paper bag and offers Mrs. A half a bagel. She declines.She tells Jackie and Kelly to find her when they're ready to pee. In the meantime, she'll be in the chapel. She's getting the statues back.After she leaves, Kelly takes out the contents of his paper bag. Not bagels. Vitamin B, Zinc, Ginger, Aspirin and water to mess with the tox screen. Jackie says she's OK.Cooper comes in with his tux for his birthday-wedding. Jackie is reminded she was apparently supposed to get him a cake.They're called away for a man who was in a boiler explosion and has a pipe in his stomach. Lenny insists they take him right up to surgery. There's a 35 year old man right behind him. The paramedic thinks he might be blind.Back with Fiona and the boy in Catholic school, Fiona lights a match.They find a note in the blind man's wallet saying he's deaf and blind and in case of emergency, call his brother. Jackie calls. The phone of the man with the pipe in his stomach rings. Zoey answers. He's the brother. He tells them to write in his brother's hand. Jackie writes to the man that he's OK. He asks about his brother. Jackie debates and tells him his brother is OK.At school, Grace sees that Fiona got busted. Kevin calls Jackie. She ignores his call. She visits Eddie and complains about her miserable day. His phone rings, it's Kevin. He answers. A very angry Kevin tells Eddie to find Jackie and have her call.Jackie sits in the hall as the saints go rolling in to the chapel.A patient runs by Jackie in her hospital gown.Cut to Cooper asking where his crackhead is. Jackie has her back in a bed and is giving her an IV. Cooper explains that the crackhead is also a vegetarian and ate two pounds of bacon last night.Jackie sees a hospital person preparing to have the deaf and blind man taken home, because there's nothing wrong with him. Jackie checks on his brother, who is alive and in ICU. Jackie makes up a reason why he has to go up to the ICU. She has Thor take him so he can be with his brother. Zoey texts. She's outside with the cake.Zoey has purchased three giant birthday cakes and has Jackie hold them while she goes for a cart. Jackie sees the bride outside smoking nervously. She watches, quietly urging the girl to go inside. She does for a moment, then turns and runs for a cab.In the chapel, Thor sings Ave Maria. Cooper waits nervously at the altar. Jackie tells O'Hara she thinks the bride is a no show. She goes up and pulls Cooper aside, she assures him he doesn't look like an idiot. She points out he got everyone together and got the chapel looking good again. He worries no one will ever want to marry him. Mrs. A thanks him for her statues and hugs him. Zoey gives him a small box with a tiny bear inside. Thor wheels in the cakes, stacked to look like a wedding cake. Everyone sings happy birthday. "My work here is done," Jackie says.Outside, Cooper gets into his "horse and carriage" alone. It's a pedicab. He cradles his bottle of champagne and tells the driver to just pedal. Eddie pities him and hops in. they ride along with their white rose boutonnieres in a pedicab that says "Just married."At the end of the day, Mrs. A brings Jackie her cup to pee in. "Anything you want to tell me?" Mrs. A asks. "Nope," Jackie says.Kevin comes into the lobby. Zoey is pleased at the chance to redeem herself by recognizing him. O'Hara sees them and finds Jackie in the bathroom and tells her they're there. Jackie hands over her pee to Mrs. A.Zoey comes in and shrieks about how pretty Jackie's daughters are.Jackie panics and asks O'Hara what to do. They game plan over a 100 year old woman who just died. Jackie wonders how someone even gets to be that old. O'Hara says not f-ing the pharmacist is a good start. Jackie knows Kevin is out there with a head full of accusations, most of them true. She's jealous of the dead woman.O'Hara comes out with Jackie and takes the girls so Jackie and Kevin can talk. Fiona tells her mom she won't be that happy after she hears what she did.Kevin tells Jackie he has to get something off his chest. She takes him to the basement. "It's not like I want to be doing this, this is the hardest thing I've ever done," he tells her. He tells her one girl is on meds, the other is starting fires. He says whatever he and Jackie is doing is messing them up.Mrs. A marches Jackie's pee to HR.Down in the basement, Jackie steels herself for what's to come. She can't look at him. "You can't just step outside a marriage and f--- someone else because things got hard and expect the marriage to survive," he says. She waits. "I had an affair," he says. Jackie is shocked. She turns to face him. He says things got so bad and lonely.Jackie sits down. Kevin tells her the affair is over and will never happen again. She doesn't know what to say. He asks for an I Love you or forgiveness. Instead, she says: "Pack your bags."Mrs. A continues the long pee-bearing march to HR. She passes a trash can and tosses the sample in. "F--- 'em," she says.

Directed by Linda Wallem  

Starring Edie Falc, Eve Best, Merritt Wever, Paul Schulze, Dominic Fumusa, more...

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