Comedy/, 2012, 20 min.Synopsis
The guys watch Jess cook. They try to be patient with her unemployed zaniness.
Then they notice the felt art of the three of them that Jess made. Nick tells her to take a break and go "off the grid."Cut to Jess drinking at 11 a.m. at Nick's bar.
"Yea, that backfired pretty quickly," he admits.Winston preps for his mother's visit. Schmidt worries Winston's mother doesn't like him. "Because historically speaking, I'm like catnip to tough talking African-American women. It's cuz I don't front, nawhatimean?" Schmidt says.Jess introduces Nick the bar drunk to Nick.Schmidt runs into Winston's sister Alicia in the kitchen.Jess chats up the beer delivery guys, including Bearclaw (Josh Gad) and Andy. Jess asks Nick to give him her phone number.Schmidt runs into Winston's room talking foul about his sister, not noticing Winston's mom Charmaine is in the room. He tries to recover, he does not.
"The loft just became Big Momma's House!" he says.At the bar, Sam from Cupid Match asks if Jess is Katie. She says she is.Nick the drunk tells Nick that he's him from the future. He knows he didn't shower today, a girl broke his heart and he likes three feet of bar between him and everyone he meets. He has Nick's same raggedy hoodie.Jess claims to have been to 42 Creed shows to one-up Sam's 41. He brushes hair out of her face and she jumps on him.The next morning, Nick is still rocked by meeting future Nick. Schmidt wants Nick to ask him when he meets Kanye.Jess comes out in her bathrobe and tells the guys she had the best sex of her night last night, left her body, went up to heaven saw her grandparents, became a werewolf, scared some kids, went back to her body. But he thinks her name is Katie and a dancer or something involving puppets.Sam comes out and Nick and Schmidt pretend to also be dancers. Nick gets goaded into leaping around the apartment. He announces he's leaving for a couple brunches. She leaps into his arms and kisses him goodbye. He promises to text."I hope you don't like him, because you're not coming back from 'My name is actually Jess'," Nick says.The guy from the bar texts Jess. She doesn't know how to handle two guys being into her.Schmidt and Nick break it down, explaining everyone has a time in their life when two people are into them. For Schmidt, it was the third night of Hanukkah, 1996, "the night of the Shoshannas."
"For me, it's every time I jet ski," Nick says.Schmidt doesn't think Jess can handle two men.
"You wear a cardigan on top of another cardigan," Nick says.
"We all know you're not the best with doorknobs," Schmidt says.Jess insists Katie can juggle men.Schmidt joins Winston out to fancy dinner with his mom, sister and her WNBA team.Back at the loft, Jess tells Cece about the dirty texts she's been sending to Andy. Autocorrect changes "body" to "meatbar."There's a knock at the door, it's Bearclaw.
"You're so hot, I can't wait to see your meatbar," he tells her.
He has a self made tattoo tramp stamp of a bear claw.
Nick calls and Jess asks him how to get out of it. "This is not my fault, I just wanted you to stop cleaning the kitchen so much," he says.Jess gets a text from Sam to meet at the bar. She tries to figure out how to let him down easily. He asks if she'll be freaked out if they make love later and he asks her to pretend he's a scary ghost.
She claims she feels sick.
He offers the anal thermometer he has in his bag.Out at dinner, Alicia tells Schmidt she only dates basketball players.In the bar, Nick quizzes Nick.
"Do we ever get rich and famous?"
"Three words: Hot. Air. Balloon."
Jess runs in, straight to the bathroom.
Old Nick urges him to apologize, but won't say for what.Jess makes out with Sam in the stall, Andy and Bearclaw come in. Andy is puzzled because he thought Jess was into him. "Do you ever get that feeling like this is a woman I could marry?" Andy says.
Jess says "oh god" and they hear.
Bearclaw thinks she's in trouble and busts down the door. He calls her Jess and is confused that she's not sick. Now Sam is confused at hearing her called Jess.
Nick comes in and it gets worse.With her shirt back on, Jess tries to explain to the three guys. She apologizes to Sam for stealing him from real Katie.
"Did I tell a lie? Yes, but in my defense, I'm off the grid!" Jess explains.
Andy yells at Jess for hurting Bearclaw and Nick tries to defend Jess.
Old Nick comes in and announces he's leaving. Nick runs after him. Outside, Nick asks why he needs to apologize to Jess. Old Nick tells him to make her an Old Fashioned. Then he steps into his cardboard box, puts on his tinfoil hat and makes beeping noises as he disappears into the night. Nick wishes him a good trip.At home, Jess announces she's back on the grid.
Nick makes Jess an Old Fashioned, explaining that he might do something really bad someday and he hopes she'll forgive him.
There's a knock at the door. It's Sam. He confesses half his profile is made up and he doesn't care that Jess lied. He suggests they can still tear each other apart. She jumps on him.On the playground, Schmidt prepares to go one-on-one with Alicia, who is a foot taller than him. She checks the ball to him and hits him right in the schnoz.Directed by Larry Charles Starring Zooey Deschanel
, Jake M. Johnson
, Max Greenfield
, Lamorne Morris
, Hannah Simone
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