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Comedy/, 2012, 22 min.

Synopsis Jess interrupts the guys on the couch to make her pitch for getting a bathtub, including rose wine and bubbles. Schmidt thinks they're "medieval filth cauldrons." He doesn't want to soak in "testicle tea." Winston is tempted, but they hold a loft vote and Jess is outvoted 3-1.Emma (Carla Gugino) brings Schmidt a potential account for Double V Vodka. She tells him to come in tomorrow in his best suit and make his pitch. He turns to his binder full of action shots of him in suits.Later that night at the bar, Nick stares at a mystery girl (Olivia Munn) in the bar he has nicknamed "Thirsty Mendelsohn." She's drinking Miller Lite and a shot in a booth by herself.Jess and Winston urge him to go talk to her, but that would violate his "never cross the bar" rule. Flash to him trying to break up a chick fight, noting neither of them are wearing the right bra for it. And then holding a ferret.Winston pulls Jess aside to talk about the bathtub. He wants it but doesn't want the guys to know he wants it.Cece joins them and tells Schmidt and Nick she just broke up with Robbie. She told him she had to get serious about her future. He said OK, and then nothing since.Schmidt fails at being cool about it. She's so lovely, he'd eat her hair out of a bowl.The next morning, he tries out his lines for Cece in the mirror, including that she's his boo. Nick interrupts him. He wants Nick's blessing to tell Cece he loves her. Nick resists the hug, but Schmidt flings himself at him.Up on the roof, Jess and Winston fill up their new bathtub with the hose. Then one end of it crashes through the roof -- right onto Schmidt's entire rack of suits below.They freak out, then call the super, Remy, to fit the hole. He patches it, but that leaves the problem of the ruined suits. They decide to fake a robbery to get the renter's insurance.They go through the bathroom and Jess's room "stealing" stuff. Jess doesn't think the imaginary meth head robbers would want anything from her room.At the bar, Nick sees "Thirsty" in an argument with a guy who storms out. Nick steps out from behind the bar. He offers her a whiskey, because "you're a whiskey girl, like me." Her name is Angie and she tells him to grab a bottle and join her.Back at the loft, Schmidt surveys the damage. "They took my doctor's appointment suit! They took El Capitan!" All they left was his summer suit with a lightning bolt on the back.He says it's a good thing he has a security camera in there so he can review the footage. Winston panics.Drunk Angie jokes that she doesn't have any money and plans to pay for the whiskey with sex. She gets drunk Nick to suggest she dump her boyfriend.At the loft, in his summer suit, Schmidt reviews his footage, including when he was lowering his bar sexually. Winston tries to keep from cracking under the pressure, which somehow involves taking off his shirt.Schmidt goes to see Cece in his summer suit with a lightning bolt on the back. He brings her a box with a bow on it. There's a pigeon inside because he couldn't find a dove. He professes his love. He's ready for a commitment and kids if she is.But Cece says her mom will hate him, she hates Jewish people. "Everybody hates the Jews, your mom's in the majority! I'll convert to Indianism," Schmidt says. He asks her out to dinner that night.Jess finds panicked Winston lying on the roof in his briefs. She thinks he's having a panic attack, but he says it's just the willies, the same thing that happened when he went to take his driver's test.Flash back to him in the car to take the test, then freaking out, hopping out of the car and running away, pulling off his shirt and pants.Angry Mike comes into the bar looking for Nick. Nick tries to pass himself as Ricardo but when Mike reaches across the bar and grabs him, Angie knocks him out with a napkin holder."He was going to kill you, I've seen him do it before," Angie says. Angie says she knows someone at work who can give him stitches.Emma listens to Schmid's Double V pitch, then suggests they do a shot for every vitamin so he can get to know the product. Schmidt wants to make it to his dinner date, but has to stay.Jess tries to make Winston feel better about his panic attack by demonstrating her claustrophobia in a closet. But the closet door gets stuck and they both freak out, leading Winston to disrobe again.Angie and Nick carry unconscious Mike into a strip club. Nick doesn't understand why they're there for stitches, but the janitor sees Mike bleeding and goes to get his needle and bifocals.Nick looks for an explanation. Angie's a stripper. Not because college was too expensive.Another stripper asks what happened to Mike. It's his wife. They get in a fight. Nick tries to break it up but is also seriously turned on.Schmidt shows up late and drunk at Cece's. He got the account. She's angry when she learns he was with the boss he used to sleep with. "She just wanted me to taste the V -- that came out wrong," drunk Schmidt says.He tells Cece he thought about his boss's boobs once ("they're still really nice") but now he can pay for their baby's college. He goes to sleep in Cece's lap. She leaves her mom a voice mail telling her she's ready for her to set her up.Remy the super comes up with a crowbar and lets Jess out of the closet. She's stripped to her tank top and Winston in his robe. Remy checks to make sure they're not up for a threesome and leaves.They have to decide what to do about Schmidt's suits. Jess feels like there's an obvious solution.Cut to Schmidt coming home in the morning to find Jess and Winston gagged and bound to a chair. Jess explains the meth heads returned his suits because they don't fit and got them dry cleaned.Winston is trying to go along but then blurts out that he wants a tub and bubbles.Schmidt doesn't care. He told Cece he loved her and she called her mom. "She's going brown," he says.At the bar, Angie comes to hang out with Nick. He explains he broke his don't cross the bar rule. She says she doesn't have any rules, then climbs over the bar and kisses him.Back to Schmidt practicing his "I love you speech" for Cece in front of the mirror: "I'm a man with feelings, and they're bubbling up inside of me and they're about to explode. I'd like them to explode on you."

Directed by Tristram Shapeero  

Starring Zooey Deschanel, Jake M. Johnson, Max Greenfield, Lamorne Morris, Hannah Simone, more...

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