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Comedy/, 2012, 22 min.

Synopsis Schmidt brings Jess some tea after her break-up with Russell. "You're not the only one who's hurting; the economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are all pretty much sequels and I have a broken penis. Don't pretend to know my pain," he says.Later, Winston gives it a turn and finds Jess on the floor listening to "River" over and over. He's now hoping it thaws and Joni falls through.Jess worries to Cece if she made the right choice. Cece thinks it's time to turn off Joni. Nick and Caroline come in with a dance routine to the song. It involves a lot of hip thrusting. Jess is finally ready for a drink.She goes out with Schmidt and Winston. Schmidt wants her phone, to prevent her from backsliding. Winston is jazzed that his boss invited him to play poker.They're not happy Nick's with Caroline. They wonder if it's time to show him the video he made last time he broke up with her of all the reasons he shouldn't be with her.Cece arrives dressed frumpy, like a "women's studies major," Jess says. Schmidt says it's a precautionary measure until his junk heals. It doesn't work, he limps off in pain.Jess teaches Nick about backsliding.Cece isn't sure what she's supposed to do with Schmidt since everything turns him on. Cut to him getting turned on bird watching, because of the eggs.Nick thinks Caroline changed. And she's way hotter than the voice in his head who sounds like Tom Waits and tells him he looks bad in hats.Cece has to go visit her grandmother in the home tomorrow. Old people freak Schmidt out, with their hands and their legs..."they're like a human version of pleated pants."Jess steals her phone back from Nick and dials. She wakes up in bed with Paul.In the loft in the morning, Winston confesses he got wasted last night with Joe and got his ear pierced.They say an awkward hello to Paul and he hugs Jess good-bye. When he's gone, the backsliding accusations begin.She wants to give it another shot even though he's an ugly crier. "It's like a slow motion sneeze," she says.Schmidt goes to the home with Cece, less turned on than he's ever been.Caroline looks at apartments with Nick and suggests they move in together. She also mentions she's 33, not 30 like he thought. She doesn't want to start at the beginning again.Jess visits Paul and doesn't get very far before he confesses he has a very serious girlfriend. He starts crying and says he now knows how Bill Clinton feels.His girlfriend comes by for lunch and sees him crying and Jess covers by pretending she just explained the electoral college.At the loft, Winston is now rocking a hoop earring.Jess comes home and confesses to Schmidt and Winston, saying Paul's girlfriend looks like an Asian her. She thinks she has to tell his girlfriend the truth.Back at the home, Schmidt asks the olds how to sustain a relationship. Cece comes back in the room and hears her grandma telling Schmidt he's exactly what Cece needs.She sits down and says she feels like she's ready for something real with him. He feels the same way. Then he starts writhing in pain. She realizes emotional intimacy is turning him on. He passes out.Back at the loft, Winston is now wearing a feather earring. Nick tells him about looking for an apartment with Caroline. Schmidt runs into the room and they reveal the DVD.It shows Nick in a full Grizzly Adams beard, talking to himself and reminding himself that Caroline dumped him three times -- once before he had to speak at his brother's wedding. He wrote a poem and gives it to Schmidt.Schmidt produces it. "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?/No, a summer's day is not a bitch."DVD Nick goes back to crying into his mason jar of tears. He asks future Nick if he always wants to be a bartender and dress like an "unsponsored professional skateboarder." DVD Nick tells him he's doing the right thing.Nick insists Caroline has changed then leaves.At school, Jess tells Paul he has to tell his girlfriend what happened or she will. Paul says the girlfriend is his soul mate."For someone with a soul mate, you sure did have sex with me," Jess says.Paul shows Jess the engagement ring he bought. And Jess starts to feel sorry for him. His girlfriend, Asian Jess comes in. Her name is Jen. Paul blurts out that he slept with Jess.Jen starts ugly crying, just like Paul.Jess tells Jen that Paul was just scared and made a mistake. She says Paul has something to ask her. Paul proposes. Jess helps him get down on one knee and presents the ring, even asking Jen if she'll marry Paul.At the loft, Jess tells Winston and Schmidt about Paul's proposal. They send her to the bathroom to talk to Nick. She tells him he doesn't have to settle and he deserves love. She even tries her best Tom Waits voice.He tells her he signed a lease with Caroline this morning.

Directed by Nanette Burstein  

Starring Zooey Deschanel, Jake M. Johnson, Max Greenfield, Lamorne Morris, Hannah Simone, more...

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