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Great Expectations


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Comedy/Romance/, USA, 2009, 30 min.

Synopsis If you think that Phil would get more excited about anniversaries than Claire...well, you'd be right. He even set up a Viewmaster slide show of (presumably) their honeymoon, where his perm really framed his face, and added a little slide of a beautiful bracelet, which she didn't know she possessed...until he gave it to her. Her present to him? Coupons for 5 free hugs. She claims he never wants anything, but apparently he wants a robot dog, night-vision goggles, speakers that look like rocks, a GPS watch, bug vacuum, or a yogurt maker.Mitchell and Cameron have hit that proverbial wall that all new parents hit: they need a night out with no baby talk. They'll get Gloria (and presumably Jay) to babysit Lily, while they call Sal (Elizabeth Banks). Sal is the ultimate uninhibited party animal...and that's before she's had some booze.CAMERON: Hanging out with her is like an Amsterdam Saturday night any day of the week.MITCHELL: And ironically, she is no longer allowed in Amsterdam...any day of the week.Gloria is thrilled to have Lily over, as Claire and Phil's kids are already sleeping over, and even Jay is enthused. It's Jay's Night, where everybody is in their PJ's, he makes Sloppy Jay's (Joe's, natch), and they watch a Western. At least, he does. However, Manny is more than a little exicted about Haley coming over, so Jay must ready the hose to be on the safe side. Perhaps they'll need the hose for Haley as well, who wants to hang out at a party at a boy's house down the street instead. Claire is going crazy because Alex is being her usual self, convincing Luke that Grandpa doesn't have a lot of time left, and that Phil has now added flowers and balloons to the Viewmaster and bracelet. She lies about the hugs being the only gift, but she has no clue what to get Phil.Mitchell and Cameron (or should we say Baby Cub and Big Bear) meet Sal at a loud nightclub. Sal is the party girl she always was, even introducing them to her two best friends: her breasts, which have been redone. Which they can totally feel. ("Hey, I'm gay, I'm not dead.") They feel no pain and Sal wants the 5 of them (her, Mitchell, Cameron, and her breasts) to go to Cabo. Cameron dares her to make out with the waitress. ($10 for the young one and $20 for the Miss Daisy one), but they have to check on Lily first.SAL: (drunk) Ah, you should just kill that baby. I mean, you should just call that baby.To be honest, Sal always had a dark sense of humor, such as the time she dressed up as Siegfried and half of Roy for Halloween. And Sal is nice: she wants them to bring Lily to Cabo so she can throw Lily in the ocean. Or so she saidHaley, Alex, and Luke arrive at Jay and Gloria's. Lily is already taking to Gloria's singing, who is apparently trying to channel her inner Joe Cocker, Luke is practically in tears, and Haley is already trying to worm her way out of staying at Grandpa's.HALEY: I wouldn't ask you this, because I love coming to your house. It's just that...JAY: Yeah, somebody invites you over to their house, the last thing you would want to do is insult them.HALEY: Exactly!Haley just got hoodwinked. And Manny just got the spray bottle.Apparently, Claire found the perfect gift for Phil. It's Jon Cryer in his "Pretty in Pink" getup! Actually, it's The Iz: Izzy Fontaine from Spandau Ballet. Or Edward Norton trying to not look too much like Justin Timberlake in the "D*** in a Box" video. Claire remembers the song "True" being played when she and Phil first made out, but Phil doesn't even know if he's pronouncing Spandau Ballet right. Anyway, The Iz will play a private concert for Phil.At their poker game, Gloria has a great pair (of Aces, get your minds out of the gutter! You too, Jay), but Haley gets a straight and heads straight out under the guise of getting more soda. However, Grandpa is lightning fast and is already ahead of her. Under the guise of fixing the lights, Jay knew these moves Haley was trying because Claire tried the same things when she was 15.At the bar, Cameron figures it out. Sal was their "first child." They comforted her when she was sad, and carried her when she couldn't walked and cleaned up after her when she threw up. Now Lily is around and Sal is jealous. Sal wanted to call them crying over a bad dream but she was afraid of waking up Lily. Mitchell and Cameron assure her they don't love her any less just because of Lily. Sal cries, spits up on Mitchell, and falls asleep. Cameron wishes Lily would fall asleep that quickly, but 8 shots of tequila will knock anybody out.Jay has been very successful in preventing Haley from escaping, but Gloria realizes that she doesn't want Haley resenting her grandparents. Even though Claire and Mitchell pulled the same stunts, Gloria wants Jay to act more like a loving grandpa instead of a tough parent. He relents and invites Dylan into the house, who was hiding in the bushes waiting to take Haley to the party.DYLAN: How did you know I was hiding in the bushes?JAY: This is how I met Phil.Haley is more than happy...until Dylan gets a whiff of the Sloppy Jays and notices "The Gunfighter" on the TV. They're in for the night. Although Luke is determined to make sure Jay is still alive.The private concert is going well...for Claire, anyway. Of course, Phil has no clue who The Iz is. (I did NOT just say that!) The Iz figures it out when Phil tries to hum his favorite song and fails. Phil is clearly not a Fan-Dau. Iz is upset, but Phil wants him to continue the concert for her. Claire is enjoying her party as Spandau Ballet plays live in their living room. The only problem is, The Iz knows Phil is full of it. As it turns out, Phil thinks their "song" is OMD's "If you Leave." Claire is beside herself, but Phil appreciates what she did for him and he makes "True" their new "song," given that "If You Leave" is a breakup song, anyway.

Directed by Jason Winer  

Starring Ed O'Neill, Sofía Vergara, Julie Bowen, Ty Burrell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, more...

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