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The Captain


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Comedy/, 2013, 21 min.

Synopsis Jess and Nick finish up what's apparently a fantastic round of sex. She wonders if they should talk about their childhoods for a second. Nick suggests they pause, "banana it" and go for round two. He means eat a banana. Jess is relieved.Out in the living room, where they can hear everything, Winston explains to Schmidt that this is what it's like now and he better get used to it now that he's been dumped by two women and is single. Schmidt vows again to break them up.Later that night, Winston is concerned because he has to get Ferguson neutered. Nick suggests a cat bachelor party. He's kidding, but the seed has been planted.Schmidt comes in with a sheet cake in the shape of a 1, to celebrate Nick and Jess's one month anniversary. They're suspicious.Nick mentions that Schmidt is the guy who, after he saw "Titanic," started a Billy Zane fan club called the "Zaniacs.""Why does that make me madder than anything he's ever done?" Jess says, as she digs into the cake.Nick goes to ask Schmidt what he's up to. In a calm, friendly, reassuring manner, Schmidt asks Nick how many relationships he's been in that made it past a month -- just one, which Schmidt knows. He points out that usually at this point Nick is overthinking, and overthinking and overthinking.Later in bed, Nick has a hard time rising to the occasion. He encourages Jess to think outside the box, which includes her reading an Indian take out menu in a sultry voice. She tries painting her face blue like Papa Smurf, decking him in the face and various other unsuccessful stimulations. In the morning, she jokes, "well, at least the sun managed to get up."Nick runs away saying he has to go move his car.Winston goes looking for cat sex for his cat. A pretty girl flirts with him and he thinks she's talking about getting their cats together for a date. It comes across all wrong when he asks earnestly how often she grooms her cat.Over cereal, Jess tells Nick she talked to her mom about their situation. Nick jumps up and announces he has to go move his car.Schmidt comes out, sensing victory. He tells Jess he could help her if she had a Nick problem. He tells her men crave danger and variety in their sexual lives. He tells her Nick has dark fringe tastes that they don't even make porn for.He "accidentally" mentions a sex position or act called "the Captain" then describes it in detail to Jess as he makes a smoothie (the sound of which covers up whatever he's describing). Jess thinks she has the answer to what Nick wants in bed.She goes to Nick later, turns off the lights and starts mooing. Later, Nick shudders. They both look unnerved.Ferguson's date arrives. Winston remains oblivious to the fact the owner of his cat's date, Fatty, is interested in him. He suggests they get right to the bedroom -- for the cats. She brought wine. He doesn't think they can give wine to the cats.After "the captain," Jess tries to get Nick to talk about what they just did. She finally admits she didn't like it because it was "degrading to not only women but all of mankind." She mentions Schmidt told her about it. Nick gets angry that she talked to Schmidt about his penis problem.They go confront Schmidt, who points out communication is their fatal flaw. Jess always wants to talk about her feelings, and Nick never will.Schmidt asks if they made it to "the spyglass." Jess says she did and saw it all because her night vision is very good.Schmidt asks Nick how he feels, but the answer comes out in grunts. Schmidt celebrates the break up but Nick stops him.He tells Jess he didn't enjoy the Captain, then he continues confessing, including that he likes her a lot but sometimes she never stops talking, even in her sleep. He enjoys the instrument the cello and once cried after seeing a zebra give birth at the zoo. He continues and Jess is moved by the outpouring of emotions.They head back to the bedroom.Frustrated, Schmidt comes in to join them, jumping between them on the bed as a "human dental dam."In Winston's room, he's staring at the cats, waiting for something to happen. Fatty's mom tries to talk to him, but he's barely aware she's there. He hears screaming.It's Nick and Jess running after Schmidt as he cuts up Nick's condoms. Then he goes and starts popping out Jess' birth control one by one. He wants things to go back to how they were. He eats an entire week.Fatty's mom comes to see what's going on. Winston yells at them that they're cats were just about to have sex. She realizes he was literally talking about their cats this whole time.Winston calls a loft meeting. Schmidt freaks out about the estrogen pills, saying he's really aware of his nipples. Jess says the whole thing is her fault because she's going through a sexual awakening, she's like a nun and Nick is her sexy monsignor.Winston points out they're just having sex, they didn't invent it. "Stop saying squeeze my biscuits, I'm serious Nick," he says.Winston tells Schmidt to get over his break-ups."I've got a cat brothel going in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft," Winston says."You did a bad thing, deal with it," Jess tells Schmidt.Schmidt goes to Cece's and leaves a note outside her door. He waits and sees that she uses it to throw her gum away.Nick shows Jess into his room, which has egg crates duct taped to the walls for sound proofing. She tells him the past month has been the best of her life, and he says the same. He enjoys being able to express his feelings now, and shares that he enjoys loves songs. He keeps going, and she suggests he take her bra off. He shares that he would love to. She suggests he get on with it. He continues sharing.


Directed by Fred Goss  

Starring Zooey Deschanel, Jake M. Johnson, Max Greenfield, Lamorne Morris, Hannah Simone, more...

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